Lent thoughts

I found Jesus through the late singer Keith Green. I was 5 years old when my parents started following Jesus. They were rock and rollers and so at the the time the replacement to rock and roll was Keith Green. We listened to a lot of Keith Green. I have this amazing memory of picking up a teenager boy on our way to church every Sunday morning, he was a rock and roll drummer so I thought he was so cool. We would listen to Keith Green and all loudly sing along. The passion Keith sang with, I remember thinking is the way everyone should feel about Jesus. Keith sang with a sense of urgency and aching, and it resided in me, even as a child.
My dad was working in Lima, Ohio and we had gone there for the summer to be with him. We stayed at Holiday Inn and it had a pool. My brother and I spent most of our days swimming, We were getting ready for bed and my parents and my brother and I were watching the evening news laying in our beds and they announced Keith Green died in a plane crash. I imagined after the way I felt that day was the way the disciples felt when Jesus died. I was only 6, but I remember that day more clear than yesterday.
I found it hard to believe
Someone like you cared for me
You put this love in my heart
I tried but could not refuse
You gave me no time to choose
You put this love in my heart
Not often does someone come around who moves your soul. I was blessed to have this happen at such a young age. For years I sang along with Keith and I would imitate his passion and then one day his passion for Jesus became my passion. Today is the second day of lent, and I was trying to find something inspirational to pray, and my mind went right to Keith. My lent prayer today is to be willing to live life full of conviction and passion for Jesus Christ. You put this love in my heart and I am thankful, I prayer for strength to live it out.

His Grace is...

I went to church this Sunday. I haven't been to church since Halloween. It's really hard for me to get moving in the morning, it's the time when my headaches are the worse. So I haven't been to a church service in months. It's been hard. I miss worshipping with my community. I made myself go this week because it was Royal Oak Vineyard's 10th anniversary and there was going to be testimonies of the impact the community and God has made in people's lives. I am a sucker for testimonies. The church I grew up in had a second service on Sunday evenings and after a time of worship, people would give what we called "Praise Reports". This was my favorite part about church growing up. In Sunday school they would tell amazing stories of miracles and the mighty ways God moved, but I didn't know those people, I knew the people who stood up on Sunday evening who said that they were sick and now healed or that there son came home after being gone for years. I knew those people and I knew God was alive. So I love testimonies, and I wish we stood up and gave them more often. This week hearing how God has worked so amazingly in others lives had impact on me, let me explain.

After the testimonies the worship band sang a song called "Your grace is enough". I couldn't sing along. For months I have felt that his grace isn't enough. I have had a headache everyday for 21 months. Some days the pain is so intense that I can't function, think or keep my eyes open. These days are more than not. I have been desperate, so yes I feel like his grace isn't enough.

Here's the thing, I heard these amazing testimonies and I was filled with joy for these people that I love to hear how God has set them free or is moving in there lives. I was reminded that I serve a God who is alive. I still feel like I need God to intervene in my situation, I still feel like his grace isn't enough in this moment, but here is something I was reminded of, he is faithful and his grace will be enough.

So if God does something small, medium or large in your life, please don't keep it a secret. We need to hear these "Praise Reports"!

Living honestly

I promised God that as I walked on this new challenging journey, I would not frost everything over with "I am
Good". I promised to be honest. That sounds like something I should already be doing, right? I should be saying right, yes I live honestly and openly. But it's not true. When people ask how I am, no matter what, I usually answer "I'm good". Close friends ask and I say, "I'm good". People are comfortable with good, they are not so comfortable with "well I'm in excruciating daily pain, I don't sleep and I'm depressed. But I promised God that I wouldn't hide behind being comfortable and allowing others to be comfortable. And we all know God does not mind that we are not comfortable.
Which reminds me of a church billboard I saw a few weeks ago. It said "This year, try Jesus."
I read that like it was an advertisement in front of Macy's, this year try DNKY jeans.
Jesus isn't something you "try". If he were a pair of Jeans he would be a size too small and you would feel the instant need to go on a diet and purge things you love out of your life, or he would be two sizes too big, and you would instantly see that you are way too small too fill these pants. So after you "try" on Jesus you would then put him back on the rack for the pretty people.
I promised to be honest, I hate it most of the time. Most of the time I would rather just smile and not let you know that I'm a mess. I would rather not watch you try to fix my mess. But I'm wearing the tight jeans and I'm letting all of junk overflow out of them and I am learning to smile and grin as people look at me with that face of " oh poor girl"
And I'm sure Jesus is smiling.

My Friend Jeremiah

I have amazing friends and and an amazing family. Both love me so well. I am truly blessed. I know that each of my friends and my family members would do whatever they could to take away my pain. They feel helpless and it's hard to talk to them because I do not have a lot of hope to offer. I have made a good friend though, who understands what I am going through. He says things and it's like he's talking about my life. The great thing is he is much older than me and has already walked through this. He offers pure wisdom. My good friend happened to be alive in 7BC, but that doesn't change our relationship. Honestly, if it weren't for the prophet Jeremiah, I would be hopeless and beyond sad.
But there is Jeremiah. I wish we could talk, but instead I get to read his writings and read about him. He was born to a priestly family and had a good childhood until the Lord called him to be a prophet. Jeremiah argued that this was a bad idea because he was young and could not speak correctly. The Lord promised to provide the words. Jeremiah was called to warn the people of Israel and Judah to stop worshipping idols and to return to God. God had made a covenant with the people of Israel and Judah and they had broken it. Jeremiah's fun job was to tell them that they would experience the wrath of God. You can imagine that went over well. He was tortured, imprisoned, laughed at, and shamed and yet he held by his truth even as he suffered for the Lord.
The thing that connects Jeremiah and me is there was this time that he didn't hear from God, and he had to continue being harrassed and threatened with his life and God was quiet. Jeremeiah was desperate. He let his feelings known.
Lamentations 3

1 [a]I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of the LORD’s wrath.
2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.

4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.
5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.
8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.

10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,
11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.

13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.
14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.
15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and given me gall to drink.

16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.
17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, “My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD.”



My heart aches after every single word. I am living this in every modern way possible. Where I want to end my cry to the Lord here, Jeremiah, somehow sees hope.



19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.

He is new every morning, and I am holding on to that so tightly.

Oh Jeremiah, you are one of my closest friends and you don't even know me, but you do know me and that is why I am so drawn to you.
Jeremiah chose to follow God when he could not see or hear or even know God was listening to him. He chose to be faithful when God was choosing not to save him from his darkness. God has chosen not to save me from my darkness, and yet I know he is faithful and there is more to this story.
Jeremiah, I thank you for be obedient, grumpy at times, angry and bitter at times, but most important obedient. You are relatable and you are my saving grace.

Pain continued

My pain has been bad this last week. I haven't been able to work, and have visited my doctor twice and the ER once. I still have an impossible headache. It's hard to know what to think when no one can help you. I know that feeling helpless is a horrible feeling, and that is how my parents, friends, and doctors feel right now. Everyone wants there to be a way out, including myself. After 19 months of searching for a way out, I have started to think about what life means if there is no way out. If this headache and all that it does to me is part of my life. I can't wrap my head around it. I can't possibly understand what that look likes. It feels hard enough to get through the day when my head is throbbing and my eyes are blurry and all I can think of is pain.
I want to look to Jesus in those moments, I really do, but to be honest I can't look anywhere. I can close my eyes and wait it out. I can't think about healing power, or amazing grace, or how he saves the wretch like me. I can't think. That is my pain. And in the moments when I can think, I get angry that I am in the middle of this, that this is my life. I know some people have it worse than me, and they are probably angry too. I'm angry and in pain.
I know some people have a hard time with me having these feelings. It makes them uncomfortable, they want me to be okay with this, they want me to have hope. I know it's uncomfortable to watch someone in pain, and not feel like you can do anything for them, and then to see them angry, it makes it so real. I've been there, the person watching, the person feeling helpless. I've started admitting to my anger, with God and the people around me. It's hard. One thing I do know is my pain and anger is not too much for God, he can handle it and that makes me feel safe.

A Conversation on pain and depression

I've had a headache everyday for the last 18 months. The level of headache varies, but it's always there. I have tried everything that I know how to do to stop the pain, or at least control it. No luck. It's been a hard journey and I am still on it. I am feeling emotions that I have never felt, at least not to this extent. I have never been this angry. It's weird but growing up I don't really remember ever really being angry. I must of been really good at repressing it, or maybe I just never got angry. But now, I am ticked off. I am also depressed: which is feeling really sad, alone and distant from everything and everyone. It's so weird that when you're depressed, you feel alone, but you also isolate yourself from others. For me, I feel like what I am going through is a downer and no one wants to hear about my daily headache, severe arthritis, loss of vision, and depression. People want to hear about happy things, like marriages, and expectant parents, and funny things toddlers do, and cute puppy stories. Right? I also feel that no one understands. Man do I sound like a teenager, but seriously, how many people have daily pain in their brain, literally? It changes how you think, react, act, well it changes a lot of things.

I do think there are a lot of people if pain, a lot of people who feel depressed. They feel alone, sad and angry. But I know that not too many of them are talking about it. We live in a culture where if you are in pain, you do everything in your power not to feel it. Good things and bad. I know, I've been there, am there. I mean I've given up grains, sugar and dairy. hoping to feel better. I have let people put needles in me, lots of needles in me. I give myself shots for pain. I watch a lot of DVD's of Felicity. All of this to escape myself. What a horrible feeling, to try to escape yourself. Who would be proud of that?

So people don't talk about it. And when you do talk about it you make people feel uncomfortable. They don't have any clue what to say, or how to help, so they feel helpless and uncomfortable. Here is the honest truth from someone walking through it. We isolate ourselves because we feel guilty that we make others feel uncomfortable and helpless. We do not want our pain to be your pain, If you are a follower of Christ then you are right now thinking that when you are week, we are here to lift you up. We want to come around you and support you in this. And you do want to do that, but truthfully you don't know how. You can't know how because we aren't talking about. I don't even go to church anymore. I haven't gone in months. I have many reasons, but being depressed is like having leprosy. It can be shameful, that;s why people don't have blogs about being in the dumps, you know like this one.

I believe that if we all started getting honest with one another and allowing that honesty to be what it is and not to judge, but just to let it be, then maybe we can start having meaningful conversations. Honestly I don't want to hear about your fantasy football team, or your coolest app, I want to know what you are feeling and how, honestly how we can help one another. And I want the supportive people to be honest and say how and how they can not support us people in pain. There does not need to be shame, just love and acceptance for one another in the places they are at;

I will start, I kind of already have. This post may have some spelling errors and weird sentences because I am on a medication to relax me. I am in pain, lots of it and feel abandoned by God. I feel angry that I have not been healed and that the Lord has not given me any direction in what this walk is all about. I get angry when people complain about their jobs, when they have really good jobs except they have to drive 30 minutes to get there. That makes me angry and then I feel guilty about being angry. Im depressed and I see a counselor, someone to help me walk through it. I will not allow my depression or my pain to ruin my life. I hope I wont let it ruin my life. So there it is people. Let's start talking about this.

Speckled Space

Eyes o p e n

speckled space

eyes closed

speckled space


It begins to shape you
It turns and spins your core
Captured in anatomy’s hate
Soaked with the fear of knowledge
Shadows of hope

floating hallow

Knowing that this may be a part of you and become you and live in you and
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