Back in the saddle again

The last month has been truly interesting. Good, hard, crazy, fun, sad all in one month. Let's start with good. Good to see all of my family this month. Very good!!! Good to see almost of all of my friends here. Good to be back at my old job. Now hard, hard to be back at my old job, I love being there but my new position is really hard. Some of my friendships sometimes feel a little harder than hoped for. Crazy, well mostly learning to be an inventory with little training suring the holiday season. Fun, Halloween was a lot of fun, I went trick or treating with my best friend's two little girls. (and my best friend and her husband and cousin and aunt) the babies had groupies. Sad, Sad that W won and Kerry lost. I was really hoping that America would get it, but I was wrong. Sad about being apart from my great friends in Nashville. So that is a lot of feelings for one month. But mostly I am happy to be back.

sky built dream

Looking at what might be you
or maybe the image in my head
something different than reality
my reality
my dream my creation
but there you are standing in front of me
and I can't move closer to you
and you won't move closer to me
and so we just stand
pretending

pretending that you are the sun
I have found new life
joining your life
becoming your angel
being the one to save
abiding in the sky

awaken to the sound of my heart beating
my soul crying out
leaving my sky built dream
of what never was
what never will be

thankful for hope following me
sent down from the sky
holding me tight
looking to a new strength
a new dream
that moves
forward

Going Home to Mom and Dad. Aren't they Cute? 

Going Home

packing and more packing, looking back at old pictures, remembering when things were different. Some easy, some hard. Thinking of what I am leaving, and what I am going towards. Wondering how things are going to work, how things are going to just be without so much work. Missing home and excited to be going back, but not backwards. Sad that I couldn't make this place where my dearest friends are home. Sad that I couldn't fit, scared that I will never fit, anywhere. New and Old, I keep thinking of New and Old, I will make a New life in an Old framiliar place. I will keep my sweet Old friends, but will build New relationships. I am hoping the Old sad self will soon turn into a New excited hopeful self, as I once was. And so we hear ago again, on another adventure even if it is the place I call home.

searching

Do you ever have those days where you're not sure how you became who you are now? You look back at a few year past and think "in this same circumstance I would of totally done things differently." Well tonight I had one of those moments. I guess these moments happen often lately. I am not sure how I became this person I am. I don't know if it's good or bad, but sometimes it just feels weird. I feel at times as if I am in another body. The scary part is I am becoming more comfotable every day with this new self. I am trying to figure out why I have changed. That is the hard part. I can see what has changed such as I would rather stay home most nights than do something with people. It feels so much easier. I never have been like that, ever. I also feel like I don't really have anything to say. I can be with a group and listen and sometimes I really don't want to respond, or just don't know what to say. Huh? This is weird for me. I feel shy. Anyone reading this that has known me for any amount of time would not describe me as shy. But now it feels like more work to be the extrovert fun me. But I try, and at momemts when I am really comfortable it comes out by itself and that is nice. This new me has it's advantages, like I am trying new things I never had time for before like knitting. I also read a lot more and am starting to write again. But I must admit I miss the wild child and I wish I knew how to untame her, even if just a little bit.

missing picture

crazy where my eyes may lead
home where my heart beats
hungry for something to view
new
reliving scenes past due
forgetting where now is located
at least trying
letting the emotions pass, never too close
but always haunting
always hanging
on
just like the picture of you in my heart

Day off

So today is my day off.  I mostly did nothing.  Sometimes I feel guilt about doing nothing, actually I always feel guilty about doing nothing.  I rationalize why it is okay, but I always go back to thinking I should be doing something productive.  Today I cleaned my kitchen and worked on my knitting, but in my "must do" mindset I feel as if that wasn't enough.  I could of done more.  But then what is the point of a day off if I just did stuff all day? Hmmm.  So I guess I will go on feeling guilty about not doing enough.
I am sooo homesick.  I want so badly to be in Michigan on my friends boat, playing with her kids and then to go to my parents house and have an awesome meal with my parents and laugh at my dad's jokes and then go shopping with my mom and out for coffee with Mike.  That sounds like the perfect day.  So I am trying to make the best of my time here.  I love my friends here, I wish I saw them more, had more energy and more time to do more things with them. 
So that is what is on my mind today.