Pain continued

My pain has been bad this last week. I haven't been able to work, and have visited my doctor twice and the ER once. I still have an impossible headache. It's hard to know what to think when no one can help you. I know that feeling helpless is a horrible feeling, and that is how my parents, friends, and doctors feel right now. Everyone wants there to be a way out, including myself. After 19 months of searching for a way out, I have started to think about what life means if there is no way out. If this headache and all that it does to me is part of my life. I can't wrap my head around it. I can't possibly understand what that look likes. It feels hard enough to get through the day when my head is throbbing and my eyes are blurry and all I can think of is pain.
I want to look to Jesus in those moments, I really do, but to be honest I can't look anywhere. I can close my eyes and wait it out. I can't think about healing power, or amazing grace, or how he saves the wretch like me. I can't think. That is my pain. And in the moments when I can think, I get angry that I am in the middle of this, that this is my life. I know some people have it worse than me, and they are probably angry too. I'm angry and in pain.
I know some people have a hard time with me having these feelings. It makes them uncomfortable, they want me to be okay with this, they want me to have hope. I know it's uncomfortable to watch someone in pain, and not feel like you can do anything for them, and then to see them angry, it makes it so real. I've been there, the person watching, the person feeling helpless. I've started admitting to my anger, with God and the people around me. It's hard. One thing I do know is my pain and anger is not too much for God, he can handle it and that makes me feel safe.

A Conversation on pain and depression

I've had a headache everyday for the last 18 months. The level of headache varies, but it's always there. I have tried everything that I know how to do to stop the pain, or at least control it. No luck. It's been a hard journey and I am still on it. I am feeling emotions that I have never felt, at least not to this extent. I have never been this angry. It's weird but growing up I don't really remember ever really being angry. I must of been really good at repressing it, or maybe I just never got angry. But now, I am ticked off. I am also depressed: which is feeling really sad, alone and distant from everything and everyone. It's so weird that when you're depressed, you feel alone, but you also isolate yourself from others. For me, I feel like what I am going through is a downer and no one wants to hear about my daily headache, severe arthritis, loss of vision, and depression. People want to hear about happy things, like marriages, and expectant parents, and funny things toddlers do, and cute puppy stories. Right? I also feel that no one understands. Man do I sound like a teenager, but seriously, how many people have daily pain in their brain, literally? It changes how you think, react, act, well it changes a lot of things.

I do think there are a lot of people if pain, a lot of people who feel depressed. They feel alone, sad and angry. But I know that not too many of them are talking about it. We live in a culture where if you are in pain, you do everything in your power not to feel it. Good things and bad. I know, I've been there, am there. I mean I've given up grains, sugar and dairy. hoping to feel better. I have let people put needles in me, lots of needles in me. I give myself shots for pain. I watch a lot of DVD's of Felicity. All of this to escape myself. What a horrible feeling, to try to escape yourself. Who would be proud of that?

So people don't talk about it. And when you do talk about it you make people feel uncomfortable. They don't have any clue what to say, or how to help, so they feel helpless and uncomfortable. Here is the honest truth from someone walking through it. We isolate ourselves because we feel guilty that we make others feel uncomfortable and helpless. We do not want our pain to be your pain, If you are a follower of Christ then you are right now thinking that when you are week, we are here to lift you up. We want to come around you and support you in this. And you do want to do that, but truthfully you don't know how. You can't know how because we aren't talking about. I don't even go to church anymore. I haven't gone in months. I have many reasons, but being depressed is like having leprosy. It can be shameful, that;s why people don't have blogs about being in the dumps, you know like this one.

I believe that if we all started getting honest with one another and allowing that honesty to be what it is and not to judge, but just to let it be, then maybe we can start having meaningful conversations. Honestly I don't want to hear about your fantasy football team, or your coolest app, I want to know what you are feeling and how, honestly how we can help one another. And I want the supportive people to be honest and say how and how they can not support us people in pain. There does not need to be shame, just love and acceptance for one another in the places they are at;

I will start, I kind of already have. This post may have some spelling errors and weird sentences because I am on a medication to relax me. I am in pain, lots of it and feel abandoned by God. I feel angry that I have not been healed and that the Lord has not given me any direction in what this walk is all about. I get angry when people complain about their jobs, when they have really good jobs except they have to drive 30 minutes to get there. That makes me angry and then I feel guilty about being angry. Im depressed and I see a counselor, someone to help me walk through it. I will not allow my depression or my pain to ruin my life. I hope I wont let it ruin my life. So there it is people. Let's start talking about this.