He is Good Now!

So I have been asking God some hard questions as of late. Mostly when God is my season of spring coming? It's been a hard place to be in to realize that it may not come during my life on earth. I have been struggling with that being a possibility. I sing at church that His Grace is enough, but sometimes it isn't. It isn't because I choose to not let it be enough. I guess we all want to step out of pain, not stand in it any longer that we have to. I have been thinking about Psalms 23, how it says
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
And then the awesome phrase of goodness and mercy will follow all the days of our lives. I think I always focused on the goodness and mercy, but they are not necessarily seperate from walking in the valley of the shadow of death. He gives us goodness and mercy and comfort while we walk through the valley. I am learning to lean of him and enjoy his goodness in the midst of trials. So my spring may never come, but I am trying to live for every moment of goodness and mercy. Sometimes we look to much ahead and miss his goodness now. He is good now! Know that his goodness endures forever!

My 5

i guess my last question was too hard. I had a hard time thinking of 5 people I would want in a band, and I wrote the question. I know that I would like something that probably would never happen like Maxwell, Ryan Adams, Eisley, Al Green, and Modest Mouse rocking it together. I think blugrass rock soul would be awesome. I would buy it anyway.

music of our lives

This is kind of a continuation of my last post. I was very excited that Maxwell is back recording. This cd coming out in Feb is the frist of a trilogy, he will be releasing a cd for the next 3 years. Yeah! So who are you waiting to release a new cd? Is there someone (they have to be alive) that you have been hoping and praying will release a new cd? And if you could make any band of 5 musicians (they have to have recorded in the past,meaning you can't include yourself unless you are a recording artist) who would you choose and why? I too am going to think about this one and answer it soon.

Thankful!

I am thankful that one of my favorite artist has come out of the dark and will grace us with his amazing beautiful seductive music this winter! God knows this makes me very happy!


www.myspace.com/maxwell

If you bake it they will come!

I have a kitchen again! Whoohoo! My parents remodeled the kitchen and they did it on their own for the most part, I helped by giving direction as far as what color to paint the walls and well that's about all the help they got from me. But it's so beautiful. Today I made an omellette for breakfast! Oh did I miss cooking. I have been going crazy trying to decide what to make for homegroup this week, so many choices. I can't wait to bake for Christmas! Wow, I guess it is the little things in life. But I love to cook, it calms me and for a moment I feel I can relate to the creative part of God. Like when the cheescake comes out with no cracks and taste like it came from heaven, I wonder if God felt anything like that when he created me, "Like I rock! This cheesecake is awesome!" I hope he said when he created me " I rock that Jessica is awesome!" Maybe it's a little different, the excitement over creating cheesecake and humans, but I am sure not much!

God is Speaking

I guess none of you hear from God, seeing no one replied to my last post. That is sad, so all of you will be in my prayers. Ha
Really God has been speaking to me! Yeah God! I think he speaks all the time I just don't always pay attention or don't give him credit. I think this week he has been using people to speak. Life yesterday I called my credit card company, and before I called I prayed cause I can get in a hizzy with them (credit card companies in general) at times, I feel like they are always trying to screw you over. But a few weeks ago while I was waiting at the dr's office I saw this episode of Oprah called "Women Around the World" of something to that effect. Lisa Ling did this section on women in India who work at credit card hotlines and have to work in the middle of the night because of the time change, and then they go home to their families to take care of them all day. I had this mind when I called, and the lady was super nice. I would be grouchy if I was working in the middle of the night and the had to go home to my house full of kids. Oohwee.
Oh and then I has this conversation with my Jehovah Witness boss about healing and she said that God doesn't heal anymore, something about how Jesus used healing in the Bible to show a transfer of power from the Jewish religion to Christianity, I guess we don't need his power anymore. I know I need his power so I am going to keep on believing in it. I also am going to keep pray for healing, even if I never do get healed I have faith that God can heal me. Oh the ways he speaks.
Anyway God is good, and I think if we choose to pay attention we can see that more often.

Practice Makes ?

I have been trying harder to live intenionaly and not let life just happen to me. Sometimes it seems easier to let things just happen and try to make decisions as things come. I always called this laid back and flexible. I am learning that being laid back has it's place and it's not super great for relationships with people and with God. Relationships take work. You need to think about them, communicate with one another, and practice discipline. Did I just say discipline? Oooo
For a year I went to a Bible based program to learn how to be a better follower of Christ, and I learned that it takes work. I have been re-reading a great book called Mudhouse Sabbath by Lauren Winner. Lauren was once an Orthodox Jew and is now a Christian. She writes this great book about 10 Jewish disciplines that the Christian church could learn from. In the introduction Lauren says "Madeline L'Engle once linkened spiritual practice to piano etudes: You do not necessarily enjoy the etudes- you want to skip right ahead to the sonatas and concertos-but if you don't work throught the etudes you will arrive at the sonatas and not know what to do. So, too, with the spiritual like It's not all about mountaintops. Mostly its about training so that you'll know the mountaintops for what it is when you get there."
It is encouraging to know that my desert times are trainging me for greater things. I am in training now, God is speaking to me and without practicing listening I won't get very far. I love that there are so many different ways to hear God. Sometimes it's frustrating because in times of need you want him to yell it out. But he speaks in many ways and you have to practice listening in all of those ways. I suggest reading Mudhouse Sabbath it is so informative and inspirational as well.
Let me know how you are practicing and any tips you have to hearing God are greatly appreciated.

Stupid ice breaker question that would be asked at a youth party

I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night cause it's my favorite show and there was this cute little girl who was in the er for all kinds of bad scrapes and bruises. Of course they think that her foster parents were abusing her, but that would be to obvious for such a great show like Grey's. It turns out the girl can't feel pain, she belives she has a super power and challenges kids to beat her up, and that's why she has so many injuries. Not feeling pain seems like a great super power but it almost kills her in the end. I feel pain every day, physical pain that is. I hate it and am as always wanting a way out, and when I heard that this was a real thing, where you can have a bad chromosone and not feel pain, I momentarily wished for it. But pain is only a way that our body tells us something is wrong, and without it well things could get ugly. It's good to remember that.
Anyway I wasn't trying to get deep here, so let's back up, if you could have any super power what would it be and why? There are so many to choose from, oh and you can be original too. I am not sure what I would pick. I tend to think that I would like to be like Violet from the Incredibles. It would be nice to be invisible when you want and the whole power field thing is super cool. Anyway what power would you want? and why?

Dressed in Red

Nestled in the memory of you
yearning for more
safe in the distance
tightly bound to framiliar

night sweats wrapped in
restless leg syndrome
drives me closer to
telling you

I must meet the place
where empty is welcomed
where clear is a beginning
waiting is hope

inching toward surrender
putting on the red dress
allowing my beauty to rest
on my own skin

you will know my love
when I know my own power
my own force
awakened

All Things Donald Miller

If you know me at all, you will know that I love all things created by Donald Miller. Who is Donald Miller you may ask? Only the best Christian author representing my generation of 30 something today. I fell in love with his first major novel Blue Like Jazz sometime last year and kept his book a best seller at the Borders I was working at because I bought a copy for anyone I thought might read it. It was powerful to me. I love Donald's writing so much that I just read his newest book which was written to men without fathers. I am not a man and I have a great father, but I am faithful and therefore I read To Own A Dragon. And the most interesting part of the book is that a girl with a great father got a ton out of this book.
I would have to say the most powerful part of the book is when Don is talking about his mentor John that he lived with. John had a young daughter who would prefer to eat chicken nuggets and French fries for every meal but because John and his wife had some sense and knew the child needed nutrients and more from food then chicken nuggets and French fries could give a growing child they insisted the child eat other foods. The little girl throws a temper tantrum and does not understand that her father is looking out for her and screams something to the extent of "why are you doing this to me?" Okay that is me. I have been screaming at God for a while "why are you doing this to me?" What seems painful is really him protecting me and knowing what is best. And sometimes we can't see pain for good, usually not till afterward. But this is where faith comes in and I have to believe that God is watching over me and knows more than me and knows what is good for me. Trust, oh that ugly word that I fight with often.
Thank you Donald for making me laugh very hard and also showing me a different perspective on God. Oh and Donald and some of his writer friends have this AWESOME online magazine that you have to check out. The articles and reviews are super great. I have enjoyed ever article that I have read so far. Burnside Writers Collective
Check it out. Let me know what you think. Oh and if you haven't read Blue Like Jazz , READ IT! And if you know me and need to borrow a copy I have some to loan.

Cutest Baby Ever!

Words don't do any justice, Maya is the cutest baby ever!

Great Revelation Escaped

Have you ever while reading a book thought wow that is an amazing point this author is putting across and you think about it for at least two days and you tell yourself "self I need to journal about this" or now I say "self I need to blog about this" but you don't want to lose momentum with the book so you keep reading and when you finish the book you can't remember any of the details that brought you great revelation. I remember the revelation but not the point that drove me to it. So now I must go back over it and reread it. I will blog about it soon I promise. I just think this is such a Jessica kind of thing, to read something and think of it as like changing and not remember what made me change my life 4 days later. Hmmmm
(oh and I also realize that the first sentence of this blog is abnormally long, and one may run out of breath if reading out loud, so please read it quietly)

Firstgiving - Detroit AIDS Walk

This year I am walking the Detroit Aids Walk on September 17th. Steppin Out is a non-profit organization commited to supporting the community in AIDS prevention and education. I am very excited about being a part of this great organization. If you would like to sponsor me you can either check out this webiste
Firstgiving - Detroit Aids Walk

or if you would like to sponsor me by cash or check please e-mail me. Thank you for your support towards fighting AIDS.

World Traveler

My brother asked my friend Elisse on her blog www.dailywage.wordpress.com what three countries she would like to add to her impressive list of 19 countries already visited. I haven't been to 19 countries, but I have been to quite a few and do have a list myself. My three top countries I would like to visit are

1. Spain, I think I dream about Spain, and who can resist a bull fighter?

2. Kenya, I would love to visit Africa and Kenya is the country I know most about and have heard most about, I am sure I would enjoy other countries in Africa as well.

3. Egypt, I almost moved to Egypt in college, long story. Anyway it is a dream for me to see the Pyramids and all the amazing artifacts oh and let us not forget the Nile.

And my three favorite countries that I already visited are (not exactly in order of preference)

1. Italy, what a beautiful country. The art in Florence was gorgeous, I loved Venice, very romantic and relaxed, and camping in Pisa was fun.

2. France, not only do I love the people, yes I love them (my family that lives there of course!) but ever since I visited the south of France when I was 9 I have day dreamed about moving there.


3. Germany, I lived there so I have to pick it. But really I loved Germany, it is so beautiful and the people are so great. I had my favorite Thanksgiving in Garmisch. I tookmy ski instructor down (literally, I ran over the poor girl, I have home videos of the exciting moment) and stayed in the most beautiful condo in the mountains. My family and I were very thankful for that vacation. I hope to visit Southern Bavaria soon.

Awakend by Color

I remember when I was young I used to think that I hated black and white movies. I couldn't imagine life without color. Then when I was a teenager I was introduced to Audrey Hepburn (not in real life, just on the screen) and movie watching was never the same. The classic black and white movies leave something to the imagination, not just from the lack of color but by the lack of spelling it all out, especially when it comes to love scenes. But they are so romantic, and riveting. I think they are simpler and remind of us of simpler times as some would say, even if we never lived through "simple times" they let us dream of them. I think I would describe my relationship with God for the last two years like a black and white movie. Simple, not all spelt out for me, and romantic in the fact that I was hopeful for more of him.
I think in the last month I have been seeing in color. Not all the time but I get trailers. Sometimes these scenes are more beautiful than anything I have scene before and at other times they are too vibrant, glaring. They are too truthful and hard to watch. But he is awakening me. Slowly, thank goodness. I am being honest and that is hard, but real and as some may same life giving. It may not be a beautiful life, but a real one, unlike the black and white objects on a screen.
"And I - in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness. " Psalms 17:15

test update

I had the yucka test on Wed. It wasn't so much the test that was horrible, but the aftermath from it. But it only lasted a day. I am now feeling better. One more test to go and then I will have "all the answes" ha! But basically I think I am fine. I have come to the realization that I will most likely always have back problems and when I am sick with something else the back just hurts more. The think I pray for most is grace, and that I can walk through this gracefully. Everyone has challenges in life, a lot of people have physical ones and they still lead amazing lives. I think sometime excepting things and not so much embracing them, but understanding gives us an advantage to walking strong. And that is where I am at this week. Ha!

fruit tart

No I am not calling anyone names, but I made one, make that two fruit tarts this weekend. I wish I would of taken a picture. I will the next time, and I am sure there will be a next time soon. I love cooking, and mostly inventing. I saw Paula Dean make this fruit tart, but hers was full of sugar, so I created my own. I made a nut crust instead of graham crackers and sweetened the cream cheese with splenda and lime juice and zest. I then loaded it with berries. Delicious and beautiful! A great low carb treat, and those who are not low carbing it love it as well. I plan to start adding some recipes on here, hopefully I will add pictures. I will add this recipe soon, the problem is I don't really measure anything. Yeah, I am one of those cooks.

I wish I could cheat on this next test!

I have been feeling as I like to call it "yucka" lately. I had a horrible kidney infection, and in the midst of it some other organs were spasing out as well. So the dr.'s I see decided I should have every test under the sun. Today I had my third and I have two to go. I was really calm about all of test until the nurse today said "Oh this one is a breeze compared to the one you are having next week." Note to all nursing students DO NOT SAY THAT EVER! I should of just let it go, but intstead I said, "oh, what do you mean?""Oh your next one is when they put the electric needles all over you." Fun times. I have actually had that test before, it sucks. I said "oh that test?" So when my dr. called today to tell me I had an adnormal kidney test, I tried to get out of it, explaining, well now we know that I had a bad kidney infection I really don't need that next test right?" Oh no, Dr's love the test. His answer and I kid you not was "I think you should continue all the test so you can have all the answers" All the anwsers huh? I wish he guaranteed that. In other medical news, I had to take my dad to the ER last night because he had surgery the other day and was having some bleeding. So we were sitting in the ER for two hours and after hearing this lady talk about her son to the social worker, my dad turned to me and asked "Are we at General Hospital?" "No Dad I think Jerry Springer" Wow I couldn't make up the stuff they were telling this social worker, and how the social worker could behave in a profesional demeaner beats me. Note to self Never work in the medical field! Because you will have to listen to crazy people and scare the sane ones.

I Love People!

Life has been challenging the last month. I have been feeling lousy physically and it had started to get me down emotionally. I think being stuck in the house was a large part of that. I love people and when I am away from them I get sad. People are great, even people who are difficult are still great. I know that I am saying this because I haven't seen many as of late and I am going through withdraws. But I don't think we give each other enough credit. I mean I have all these people praying for me and loving on me, and that is so nice. I think that maybe God is giving me new eyes. I love that. Some people who used to annoy me to pieces don't as much any more. I just see their hurt and anger or pain. I am not perfect and I still get frustrated and hurt when people are mean to me, the feeling just doesn't last as long. God is good, faithful and good, and he is is molding our hearts everyday, oh yeah that is if we let him. So my challenge to you and myself for this week is to love your neighbor....

Psalm 31:24

Sometimes a simple verse can be so encouraging. At times we all need words to hold onto. These are the words that I am holding close to my heart right now.
Be Strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord. Psalm 31:24
I love knowing that the Lord knows it's not easy to wait on him, and he wants to help me in the waiting. He is good, faithful and good.

Listen and Wait

The weather is beautiful out and the warm tempatures made me cut all my hair off. I feel free and sassy. Why is that a simple haricut can change your attitude? Change is good. Sometimes hard, but usually good in the long run. The cute haircut was an easy change, trying to figure out the next step in life for me on the other hand is not so easy. It's exciting, but at the same time if anyone knows me, they know I worry over everything, analyze everything. I know this of me so I am trying really hard not to make things bigger than what they are, but that is easier said then done.
So I am in a season of change is coming. It isn't quite here, well it kind of is. I have a new job for the last month, but I feel more change coming. It's good and it's time, but it's a little scary. So I am trying hard to listen to God, and not get my words and thoughts in the way of his. That is so easy to do. Listen and wait, that is where I am right now. Not the most fun, but I am sure it is that nasty phrase of "character building". Why can't we build character from playing? Oh well.

A Moustache Birthday Wish!

This is better than a birthday card! I do like those too, but this is moustache fancy!
Moustache May 2006 : Detail : Renaud

30 and Flirty!

Today I am 30! That is so crazy to me. I mean CRAZY. It's so crazy I am eating at a restraunt called LOCO- which in Spanish means crazy. I don't feel 30, well I am not sure what your suppose to feel at 30 but I feel like I did at 25. Confused, hopeful, naive a bit, and ready for something new. My body feels 55, but that's not new either. I am excited about this year. I was talking to God this morning before I got a bed, letting him know some things I would like to happen this year in my life, and it felt very hopeful, it wasn't a desperate plea, just something like "I think I am ready for these things to happen, what do you think?" Well I guess we will see what happens this year.
At my birthday I also like to look at the past year and all in all it was a pretty good year. I am thankful for many things and I want to express my appreciation at this time. First of all I am thankful to the Lord for drawing me closer to him and loving me when loving me might of been challenging. He has given me so many things, a Great Church!, a Great family, Great friends, and even a new job. Yeah God! I want to thank my brother Jim and sister-n-law Christie for being my best friends. I love them so much and they have made the last year fun and have listened to me complain and helped me to figure out things when I could not see things clearly. They are so supportive, oh and they gave me a beautiful new neice, so I guess they get a few brownie points for that. A few highlights of our past year together would be
1. Nashiville with Jim - that was so fun!!! Ya'all It was so great for my brother to meet a group of people that I love so much!
2. Cedar Point - Again so much fun!!!!
3. Champions on Ice with Christie - I know a little cheesy, but I love those figure skaters, and the show was great!
4. Piston game with Jim, I love Ben and it's alway great to find someone who appreciates that!
5. All the movie nights - I can always count on Jim and Christie to watch a great movie with me, at home or out!
6. And last but definatly not least, Loving on Maya!!!!!!!
I would also like to thank my home group! They are the coolest people you will ever meet and I am so lucky to have all of you. Spending this year with you every Wed has been so great. I never liked Wed till all of you came along, now it's one of my favorite days!!!!
My parents are amazing too and love on me so much. As much as I would like to live on my own soon, I am enjoying living with them. They are super fun and good to me.
My Nashville gang are some of the most supporting friends ever. They continue to challenge me in my walk with the Lord and that is so awesome. They also know how to have a good time. I love visiting all of you.
I know I didn't list everyone I would be here forever but (Amy, Jim and Megan, Jenny and family, Katt, Melissa, Rick, Carrie, Rob and Maddie, SOTW gang, Borders Nashville gang, I love you all and you make my love so full)
Thanks for a great year and I hope all of you will be a part of this great year ahead!

Craig's Angels

I LOVE this picture. These are some my Nashville friends, they are my Border's friends. Boy do I miss working with them.
Good Times, Good Times.

Happy Easter!

He is risen, he is risen indeed. How amazing. Today I was thinking that sometimes getting out of bed in the morning is incredibly hard, and yet Jesus rose from the dead. What?! I mean he finally leaves the filthy flesh and goes to the father and yet he comes back to earth. Why would he do that? I mean there is no way I am coming back to earth once I get to heaven. Pearly gates, angels singing, no pain, no tears, a wedding party all the time! I am there forever. Yet Jesus came back to give us hope. To finish his work. The cross part, and the entering hell part was not the end, it was the beginning for all of us. Him coming back to earth is more amazing to me than his original birth in the manger. That is amazing and all, but he hadn't quite seen first hand how hard headed us earthly people are. He knew that we would probably kill him again given the chance, that we would continue to sin, and be our hard headed selves, yet he rose from the dead anyway. He brought us life! That is why we celebrate today! Without him we would be dead as well. Yeah! Jesus!

Revelations

I need to post more, I guess I always think I need to write something amazing or nothing at all. Well to hell with that idea.
You are getting all my thoughts, well not all of them or I would be here writing all day and not doing anything else. I think a lot!

Anywho yesterday I had a revelation or as Oprah would say an "ah ha" moment. I was day dreaming about the bakery I want to open, and this and that, and wondering what God has for my life. And realized that my retail job that I always think is not a real job, is totally where God wants me. I have relationships at my place of work with people I would probably not come in to contact with otherwise. Most of their lives are messy, and most of them are unsure of what to do next, and most of them feel lost. And I relate. I know that God has me there to just love on them, and love on them with no judgement of who they are or how they live, not to change their life styles, but to just love them. Sometimes it's hard and challenging, but suprisingly they are some of the easiest people to love. They don't expect much from me, so whatever I give is appreciated. That is cool!


Anyway I am trying to remind myself of this especially when deadlines are approaching and my boss is on my back, that task have to be done, but people need to be loved first. So that is my revelation of the week, and it's only Wednesday.

My New Niece

IMG_0683.JPG,
originally uploaded by Stingthebee.

Here she is Maya Elizabeth Renaud! Cute as can be! (You can tell I just got back from Nashville)
5 lbs 3 oz, 19 inches long
and beautiful!

Rejoice in the small things, come on Rejoice!

Do you ever have a really bad day followed by a really good day? And when you try to think what made it so great there is nothing to point to? Well that has been my last two days. Must be the grace of God. I was covered in his grace and totally felt it. Nothing amazing happened, wasn't delivered from my troubles, I just felt okay with life, and that was really nice. Yea!

Jessica with Big Ben

Jessica with Big Ben,
originally uploaded by Stingthebee.

Jim and I went to see the Pistons last week for his birthday. We won!! It was so much fun! I love the Pistons, I love Ben too! (Wallace that is for you non Piston fans)

Tagged

My friend Zena(naptime) tagged me on her blog to list my top 5 guilty pleasure. There are so many to choose from, ahh!

1. cigarettes (I like one from time to time, especially Christmas time working in retail)
2. Degrassi the Next Generation ( I know it's a show for 13 year olds, but I miss the first one, and I am sucker for cheesy Canadian teen shows)
3. Bon Jovi (the old stuff, can't really get into the new album)
4. Dancing ( no, not ballet or something pretty, I like to get down on it, get my freak on)
5. Kung Foo Movies, the cheesier the better, I love a Jackie Chan marathon, I will watch just about any Kung Foo movie.

Now, if you have a blog your it! Or you can comment on mine!

The Ice King!

Whiskerino 2005 : Detail :
Jim Renaud
This is the best picture ever! It has this wonderful Narnia feel to it. I want my brother to put it on his Christmas cards next year!

Ah Shucks!

Well the Nashville trip to meet some cute bearded men is out. One of my dearest friends is getting married that weekend. She had a quick engament (less than 2 months) so I didn't know that I was going to have a wedding when Jim and I started planning this trip. There is good news, I still plan on coming down, just not that weekend, and I will probably come for longer than 3 days.
So hold your biscuits! I'm on my way.

Hey Ya'all!

My brother is in this really cool beard growing contest. He takes pictures of his beard growth daily. Check out the excitement.
Whiskerino 2005 : Detail :
Jim Renaud The People who head this up are down in my second home of Nashville, TN. So they are having there finale party there. God willing Jim and I will be heading down there so he can celebrate with his fellow beard growers their beard growing accomplishments.
For me, I am hoping to get some biscuits from Loveless Cafe, and to see all my wonderful friends. So wonderful Nashville friends, pencil me in the last weekend of Febuary!

pieces vs. wholeness

I have joined a book club this past year (2005) and our current book selection is A Million Little Pieces. If you haven't heard of this book, you must live in a bubble. It was Oprah's last book club selection. Now I have never read an Oprah Book Club selection at the same time as it has been chosen, except for this one. I am only reading it because the lovely ladies of my book club chose it. Now, I didn't have any expectations going into it. I thought it would be a hard read, seeing it is about a young man's time in rehab for drug and alchohol addiction.
I was right about it being a hard read. It is very detailed leaving nothing out. I must say I have deep respect for James Frey in being so honest about something that no one would want others to know about. He reveals all of the ugliest parts of himself just as the appear to him, he holds nothing back. I don't think I could ever do this, at least not for anyone to read. I think it was very brave and honorable for him to do, and it may help others who are in similar experiences.
This book is very troubling and challenging for me to read. I get so frustrated with James in almost every page. I am not frustrated with his drug addiction, that is understandable to me. I am frustrated with his self loathing that in turn leads him to not want any support from others. His belief that others supporting you in time of need is "just another form of addiction" drives me crazy. The idea that he has to set himself free is the most self centered thing I have ever heard. So after I am done yelling at the book, I feel guilty for judging him. These are his feelings and they became this way for some reason. Yet it is so hard to read. It's like watching the train wreck and being able to do nothing. In that sense James gives the reader the true feeling of watching someone live through these horrible experiences and not be able to do anything about it. Which is how it was for everyone surronding him, because he chose to keep them away.
I lack sympathy often for James. I have a hard time with most of his beliefs and I often feel he makes life harder than it needs to be. But, here is the werid thing, I often know his desperation and understand his anger with himself. It is odd how my belief in God as a saving grace changes so much of how I live these horrible and hard times out. The focus is turned from ourselves and onto God. Without God there is no other focus except for you and the horror you are living. That is sad to watch. I know James would think I was crazy for feeling sorry and sad for him, but I do anyway.
I haven't finished the book yet. It is taking me a little longer than normal because I can only handle so much in one sitting.
Than I have to go pray or watch a funny movie.
It is odd how someones disbeliefs in God and how he doesn't exist and doesn't save or work in our lives has shown me that he is bigger than belief, that he works in peoples lives even when they don't believe in him. I find it amazing that he wants to work in lives of others who don't believe in him. This has challenged me in many ways. There are people who don't believe in me, who don't think I am capable, or worthy, and often I say "screw you" or ignore them, or think "I will show you", yet God keeps working in their lives and loving on them even if they think it is the energy from the cosmos or their own self. That is truly amazing.