My pain has been bad this last week. I haven't been able to work, and have visited my doctor twice and the ER once. I still have an impossible headache. It's hard to know what to think when no one can help you. I know that feeling helpless is a horrible feeling, and that is how my parents, friends, and doctors feel right now. Everyone wants there to be a way out, including myself. After 19 months of searching for a way out, I have started to think about what life means if there is no way out. If this headache and all that it does to me is part of my life. I can't wrap my head around it. I can't possibly understand what that look likes. It feels hard enough to get through the day when my head is throbbing and my eyes are blurry and all I can think of is pain.
I want to look to Jesus in those moments, I really do, but to be honest I can't look anywhere. I can close my eyes and wait it out. I can't think about healing power, or amazing grace, or how he saves the wretch like me. I can't think. That is my pain. And in the moments when I can think, I get angry that I am in the middle of this, that this is my life. I know some people have it worse than me, and they are probably angry too. I'm angry and in pain.
I know some people have a hard time with me having these feelings. It makes them uncomfortable, they want me to be okay with this, they want me to have hope. I know it's uncomfortable to watch someone in pain, and not feel like you can do anything for them, and then to see them angry, it makes it so real. I've been there, the person watching, the person feeling helpless. I've started admitting to my anger, with God and the people around me. It's hard. One thing I do know is my pain and anger is not too much for God, he can handle it and that makes me feel safe.
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