I've had a headache everyday for the last 18 months. The level of headache varies, but it's always there. I have tried everything that I know how to do to stop the pain, or at least control it. No luck. It's been a hard journey and I am still on it. I am feeling emotions that I have never felt, at least not to this extent. I have never been this angry. It's weird but growing up I don't really remember ever really being angry. I must of been really good at repressing it, or maybe I just never got angry. But now, I am ticked off. I am also depressed: which is feeling really sad, alone and distant from everything and everyone. It's so weird that when you're depressed, you feel alone, but you also isolate yourself from others. For me, I feel like what I am going through is a downer and no one wants to hear about my daily headache, severe arthritis, loss of vision, and depression. People want to hear about happy things, like marriages, and expectant parents, and funny things toddlers do, and cute puppy stories. Right? I also feel that no one understands. Man do I sound like a teenager, but seriously, how many people have daily pain in their brain, literally? It changes how you think, react, act, well it changes a lot of things.
I do think there are a lot of people if pain, a lot of people who feel depressed. They feel alone, sad and angry. But I know that not too many of them are talking about it. We live in a culture where if you are in pain, you do everything in your power not to feel it. Good things and bad. I know, I've been there, am there. I mean I've given up grains, sugar and dairy. hoping to feel better. I have let people put needles in me, lots of needles in me. I give myself shots for pain. I watch a lot of DVD's of Felicity. All of this to escape myself. What a horrible feeling, to try to escape yourself. Who would be proud of that?
So people don't talk about it. And when you do talk about it you make people feel uncomfortable. They don't have any clue what to say, or how to help, so they feel helpless and uncomfortable. Here is the honest truth from someone walking through it. We isolate ourselves because we feel guilty that we make others feel uncomfortable and helpless. We do not want our pain to be your pain, If you are a follower of Christ then you are right now thinking that when you are week, we are here to lift you up. We want to come around you and support you in this. And you do want to do that, but truthfully you don't know how. You can't know how because we aren't talking about. I don't even go to church anymore. I haven't gone in months. I have many reasons, but being depressed is like having leprosy. It can be shameful, that;s why people don't have blogs about being in the dumps, you know like this one.
I believe that if we all started getting honest with one another and allowing that honesty to be what it is and not to judge, but just to let it be, then maybe we can start having meaningful conversations. Honestly I don't want to hear about your fantasy football team, or your coolest app, I want to know what you are feeling and how, honestly how we can help one another. And I want the supportive people to be honest and say how and how they can not support us people in pain. There does not need to be shame, just love and acceptance for one another in the places they are at;
I will start, I kind of already have. This post may have some spelling errors and weird sentences because I am on a medication to relax me. I am in pain, lots of it and feel abandoned by God. I feel angry that I have not been healed and that the Lord has not given me any direction in what this walk is all about. I get angry when people complain about their jobs, when they have really good jobs except they have to drive 30 minutes to get there. That makes me angry and then I feel guilty about being angry. Im depressed and I see a counselor, someone to help me walk through it. I will not allow my depression or my pain to ruin my life. I hope I wont let it ruin my life. So there it is people. Let's start talking about this.
6 comments:
First off, I love you! I'm really sorry your pain is so bad and you can't find a cure for those headaches. I know you have been dealing with that for a long time. I'd be mad at God too. I want to say I'm mad at God right now, but I think a better word is disappointed. I'm glad you wrote this blog and got some of those feelings out. I agree. I'm sick of hearing all the crap about new apps, and all the bragging and me me me that facebook seems to be about. I don't give a crap about how great your boyfriend is and how much fun you're having. I'm pissed off too. Granted I'm healthy (as far as I know) and am blessed with a lot of things, but I can't find a freaking job. I've been unemployed for almost 2 years now and don't understand why no one will hire me. I know times are bad, but with all the freaking experience I have in customer service and all, I can't get a job making coffee at Starbucks. Is it my age? Do I stink? I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm a good person and do a good job when I have one. No one wants to give me a chance it seems. I'm at my wits end about it. I scream and shout and cry and stay away from people, because I don't want them to deal with me either. I do pray and ask why and never seem to get answers. "Let go, let God." I have. Nothing happens. Why? What is he waiting on? There. I talked about it. I'm angry. I'm confused and don't know what step to take next. So Jessica, don't feel you're alone. You aren't. You're a wonderful person and things will get better. They always do. It's just hard for us to see that when we are in the middle of it. You are my Darkness, and you are my shining light. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
CRAIG! I love you too! You always bring a smile to my face. Thank you for sharing and being honest I know frustration, but I don't know YOUR frustration. All I know is if I was hiring, I would hire you. You are an amazingly hard worker and you have wonderful customer service skills, just ask Nicole Kidman!
It's hard when we feel abandoned by God. It's the one you can trust and you feel he is not there. I am going to pray and trust God for an amazing job for you. I can do that. I may not be able to pray for myself and trust God to heal me but I can trust him to bring something amazing to you! I want you to let me know when your frustrated, I want to be there for you. I know what isolation is about and it just keeps the anger and rage and disappointment inside us.
I love you Craig, you bring me joy!
hey jess it's been quite a while and this may mean very little but i've definetly been keeping you in my prayers. i can't say i know what your going through or that i've been there because i haven't but i can tell you i think you are a strong women to still be trying to make it through day to day with the headaches and pain your going through. i miss ya girl and wish i could do something to help you feel better.
Oh jessica..... i can relate on some levels.
especially the isolation when depressed.
depression is so common and for a plethera of reasons.
All I can say is im here for you and I love you. And thank you for being "real" and writing this.
Sean and Carrie, thank you so much for your prayers! Carrie, I wrote this because I know depression is common but people don't talk about it and I want to break that. I feel like healing comes from being honest with yourself and others and talking about it.
Jessica, im proud that you can put all of what you are going through on here, it takes courage, and feels good to get it out. You are such a strong person that what you are going through and still going to work! and I can understand the anger with God, I have felt that to in certain situations and wonder are you reall still there for me...and I will of coarse still be praying for you often. I have went though so many issues in life were I just blow it off or laugh it off and sometimes, like at church today were I just cryed and let it all out, worried about money, and knee pain and tooth pain, and I dont make enough money at my job! it sucks...but like you know there is some purpose for everything, and we just have to have the patience to see what it is. Im right next door if you need a hug..a shoulder or some friendship...anything! love you jess. praying....
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