pieces vs. wholeness

I have joined a book club this past year (2005) and our current book selection is A Million Little Pieces. If you haven't heard of this book, you must live in a bubble. It was Oprah's last book club selection. Now I have never read an Oprah Book Club selection at the same time as it has been chosen, except for this one. I am only reading it because the lovely ladies of my book club chose it. Now, I didn't have any expectations going into it. I thought it would be a hard read, seeing it is about a young man's time in rehab for drug and alchohol addiction.
I was right about it being a hard read. It is very detailed leaving nothing out. I must say I have deep respect for James Frey in being so honest about something that no one would want others to know about. He reveals all of the ugliest parts of himself just as the appear to him, he holds nothing back. I don't think I could ever do this, at least not for anyone to read. I think it was very brave and honorable for him to do, and it may help others who are in similar experiences.
This book is very troubling and challenging for me to read. I get so frustrated with James in almost every page. I am not frustrated with his drug addiction, that is understandable to me. I am frustrated with his self loathing that in turn leads him to not want any support from others. His belief that others supporting you in time of need is "just another form of addiction" drives me crazy. The idea that he has to set himself free is the most self centered thing I have ever heard. So after I am done yelling at the book, I feel guilty for judging him. These are his feelings and they became this way for some reason. Yet it is so hard to read. It's like watching the train wreck and being able to do nothing. In that sense James gives the reader the true feeling of watching someone live through these horrible experiences and not be able to do anything about it. Which is how it was for everyone surronding him, because he chose to keep them away.
I lack sympathy often for James. I have a hard time with most of his beliefs and I often feel he makes life harder than it needs to be. But, here is the werid thing, I often know his desperation and understand his anger with himself. It is odd how my belief in God as a saving grace changes so much of how I live these horrible and hard times out. The focus is turned from ourselves and onto God. Without God there is no other focus except for you and the horror you are living. That is sad to watch. I know James would think I was crazy for feeling sorry and sad for him, but I do anyway.
I haven't finished the book yet. It is taking me a little longer than normal because I can only handle so much in one sitting.
Than I have to go pray or watch a funny movie.
It is odd how someones disbeliefs in God and how he doesn't exist and doesn't save or work in our lives has shown me that he is bigger than belief, that he works in peoples lives even when they don't believe in him. I find it amazing that he wants to work in lives of others who don't believe in him. This has challenged me in many ways. There are people who don't believe in me, who don't think I am capable, or worthy, and often I say "screw you" or ignore them, or think "I will show you", yet God keeps working in their lives and loving on them even if they think it is the energy from the cosmos or their own self. That is truly amazing.