This Journey

Do you ever have days where the kind words of others just make things worse? For instance I keep hearing "It's not about the destination, but about the journey" and I get that we can get caught up on the future and miss the present, but we can also get so tied down in the present that we forget that this moment isn't forever and there is a destination ahead. Life can get really hard sometimes, and this "journey" we are on can feel really long, and never ending, but their is a destination. It helps if you know the destination, it gives you something to look forward too, something to strive after. But the truth is we don't always get to know the destination. It's like walking in the pitch black darkness with no flashlight. This weekend I was having a really bad headache and was getting really angry with my body and myself and just my circumstance. Today I was reminded of God leading the Israelites out of Egypt. The Israelites weren't really sure of the destination either, and the journey was getting very long, 40 years! Yikes! And so they began to get angry at God, and began to lose trust in him. I totally get the Isrealites. 40 years is a long time to be hanging out in the desert folks! I can't imagine having this headache for 40 years. But God was there and he went before them everyday seeking the next place to lay their heads at night and rest. Deuteronomy1:32 In spite of this, you did not trust in the Lord your God, 33 who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go. So I am reminded that I am not in this alone, and neither are you. And that I am not searching in the dark. God is constantly ahead of me preparing the way, and that if I trust in him he will show me the way I should go. It's then up to me, to actually obey or not to obey. He never promises that it will be easy, or fun, but he does promise to be there with me every step of the way.

me, myself, and I

My mom tells me that as soon as I learned to talk, I never stopped. I would talk to anyone and if no one listened I would talk to myself in the mirror. I soon created an imaginary friend named Sally and I talked to her often. It's funny how as a kid one of the first people I became friends with was myself. I guess then I grew up and learned that their was so many things wrong with myself. And that relationship became a love/hate relationship. I have been thinking the last few days how this happened. I know as a kid I was aware at a young age that being overweight set me apart from other kids and it was a bad thing. So then came the teenage years and I was always at war with myself and my body. I would be mad at myself for not sticking to any diet and I would be mad at my body for not fitting into size 6 jeans. And so it began,I began to not like myself. I think we all have been there, for different reasons of course. For the last 3 years I have had a daily headache and again I have been so mad at my body for turning on me. I also have been mad at myself for not being as strong as I would like. The last few months I have been giving myself a break. I have decided that I was going to stop picking on myself and try to befriend myself again like I did when I was 2. There are a lot of characteristics about myself I actually really like. I think I am funny, like really funny, I make myself laugh often. And I have a crazy weird creative mind that only I know, and I really like it. I also have learned that I am pretty compassionate and that when I tell someone I am going to pray for them, I do. I love those things about myself. I still annoy myelf, I can get moody and absent minded and forget things and it's annoying. So if you weren't you and you were just a random person would you be friends with yourself? I have been asking myself that, and I think it's a really good question. This week the answer is yes.

Ready, set, go

Last week I bought a computer. I have needed one for a while, but my desires to travel left the computer budget very low. But I needed to write and having a computer is the best way for me to do that. I say I needed to write and not wanted to write for a reason. Words were pouring out of me and I started keeping them in my iphone or on a notebook. The problem with the notebook is I go through a lot of notebooks and can never remember where I kept the one with the words that meant something. Hence the computer purchase. I haven't blogged in a while, well a long while. I am still suffering from the daily headaches and am still trying to live a very honest and forthright life in the midst of the pain. The new struggle has been finding the line between being honest and whining. I think I am getting there though. As I live this honest life, I have noticed how much I lack in being honest with myself. It's hard to let yourself know yourself. Sounds funny, but it's true. At least in my case anyway. So here you will find some honest thoughts and perceptions, what God is doing in me and what I am doing about it.

Monday morning Holiness

It's Monday morning and I am listening to a worship album that I love. I dont really feel worshipful, but I a
going to listen to it anyway. I am working and not really paying to much attention to the songs until the singer sings "I want to be Holy" it's Monday morning and I don't want to be Holy. I want to be in bed, I had a really rough night. I want to be well, I want to be right, but I Holy, well that sounds like a lot of work. Colossions 3:12 -13 says Therefore as Gods Chosen people, Holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another... Okay, I told you being Holy on Monday morning is hard. Verse 15 says Let the peace of Jesus rule in your hearts, since you were called to peace. And be thankful. So that's where I'm starting. I'm going to LET the peace of Jesus fall on me and I am going to be thankful that his peace is available to me on
Monday morning! I trust that if I allow the peace of Jesus to dwell in me I will then grow to desire to be Holy. Friends, we have to start somewhere.

Waiting

We spend a lot of time waiting. I don't think most people are good at waiting. We have all had a tantrum while waiting for customer service on the phone, or the few extra minutes in the drive through line. Waiting is hard for us. Waiting for God is not any easier. It never has been. When God used Moses to free the Israelites, we know they we very inpatient
God had provide food, water and protection for the Isrealites. Moses went up to Mt. Sinai to meet with God. The Israelites hated waiting for Moses so they burned all their gold and made a golden calf to worship. Of course we know that a piece of metal can not bring freedom and hope. I think the Israelites knew that too. But the need for NOW trumped salvation. Not much has changed in the human condition. We have replaced God with politics. We expect the government to bring freedom and hope. We have replaced God with money, we expect money to bring freedom and hope. Deep down we know they aren't the answer, but waiting is hard. Waiting sucks! God will give direction. He gives direction.
Philippians 3:15-21
 15 All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16 Only let us live up to what we have already attained.
 17 Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do. 18 For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.
Paul tells us our citizenship is in heaven, and we await for the Savior from there. It's hard. My favorite part of this writing is in verse 15 where Paul says if you think differently, God will make it clear to you. And he will!

Lent thoughts

I found Jesus through the late singer Keith Green. I was 5 years old when my parents started following Jesus. They were rock and rollers and so at the the time the replacement to rock and roll was Keith Green. We listened to a lot of Keith Green. I have this amazing memory of picking up a teenager boy on our way to church every Sunday morning, he was a rock and roll drummer so I thought he was so cool. We would listen to Keith Green and all loudly sing along. The passion Keith sang with, I remember thinking is the way everyone should feel about Jesus. Keith sang with a sense of urgency and aching, and it resided in me, even as a child.
My dad was working in Lima, Ohio and we had gone there for the summer to be with him. We stayed at Holiday Inn and it had a pool. My brother and I spent most of our days swimming, We were getting ready for bed and my parents and my brother and I were watching the evening news laying in our beds and they announced Keith Green died in a plane crash. I imagined after the way I felt that day was the way the disciples felt when Jesus died. I was only 6, but I remember that day more clear than yesterday.
I found it hard to believe
Someone like you cared for me
You put this love in my heart
I tried but could not refuse
You gave me no time to choose
You put this love in my heart
Not often does someone come around who moves your soul. I was blessed to have this happen at such a young age. For years I sang along with Keith and I would imitate his passion and then one day his passion for Jesus became my passion. Today is the second day of lent, and I was trying to find something inspirational to pray, and my mind went right to Keith. My lent prayer today is to be willing to live life full of conviction and passion for Jesus Christ. You put this love in my heart and I am thankful, I prayer for strength to live it out.

His Grace is...

I went to church this Sunday. I haven't been to church since Halloween. It's really hard for me to get moving in the morning, it's the time when my headaches are the worse. So I haven't been to a church service in months. It's been hard. I miss worshipping with my community. I made myself go this week because it was Royal Oak Vineyard's 10th anniversary and there was going to be testimonies of the impact the community and God has made in people's lives. I am a sucker for testimonies. The church I grew up in had a second service on Sunday evenings and after a time of worship, people would give what we called "Praise Reports". This was my favorite part about church growing up. In Sunday school they would tell amazing stories of miracles and the mighty ways God moved, but I didn't know those people, I knew the people who stood up on Sunday evening who said that they were sick and now healed or that there son came home after being gone for years. I knew those people and I knew God was alive. So I love testimonies, and I wish we stood up and gave them more often. This week hearing how God has worked so amazingly in others lives had impact on me, let me explain.

After the testimonies the worship band sang a song called "Your grace is enough". I couldn't sing along. For months I have felt that his grace isn't enough. I have had a headache everyday for 21 months. Some days the pain is so intense that I can't function, think or keep my eyes open. These days are more than not. I have been desperate, so yes I feel like his grace isn't enough.

Here's the thing, I heard these amazing testimonies and I was filled with joy for these people that I love to hear how God has set them free or is moving in there lives. I was reminded that I serve a God who is alive. I still feel like I need God to intervene in my situation, I still feel like his grace isn't enough in this moment, but here is something I was reminded of, he is faithful and his grace will be enough.

So if God does something small, medium or large in your life, please don't keep it a secret. We need to hear these "Praise Reports"!