Thankful

I was reminded this week of Sunday night services at church when I was growing up. They were always the same. There was a long worship time, where we sang praises to the Lord and then it was testimonial time. That is a time where people say all the great things God has done for them over the week. During this time people would thank the community for praying for them and tell how God worked. This service was mostly older people, older people who truly believed that God listened to prayer and that God answered prayer. They believed because they saw the fruits of their prayers every week, they were reminded by the stories every week. When I was thinking about this time, I wondered how my life and my view of God would change if I constantly thanked him for the things he is doing in my life. If I thanked the community that supports me and prays for me constantly. I know that I tend to think about how things could be better, and how God could fix things in my life, and sometimes I bypass the answered prayers.
So today I want to start with thanking God for my church and my new community. I moved to Nashville In Feb 2004, because I had given up on having a community of friends who beleived in me and supported me in Christ here in Michigan. I knew there was a great cummunity waiting for me there, so I went. When I was wrestling with the idea of moving back to Michigan I felt like I had to pick community or family. I prayed and cried and prayed some more. I ended up choosing family. But God was faithful to my obedience. I now have both an amazing family and community. I also have a long distance community in Nashville who are all still speaking in my life in amazing ways. I am truly blessed. It feels great to have found a home where my family is and where there are people who want to see Jesus working in me. Thank you Royal Oak Vinyard Church and the Mission Home Group. I love you all. Thank you to all my Nashville friends as well.
The next thing I am thankful for is God's patience. The last 5 years of my life have been very challenging. After my Papa died 2 years I kind of gave up on God. I had been working for years on trusting him with every aspect of my life. That was challenging in so many ways. When I moved to Nashville to take part of a school I had little knowledge of, that started the walk of faith, bling walk of faith that is. And things got harder when I had 3 surgeries that same year. It was hard to trust and know that God had a big plan for my life when I was in a back brace and laid up in bed for 6 months. But I saw his hand in my life. But when my grandpa died that shook me hard. It was like someone took the plank out of my feet that I was standing on. Slowly I have been giving a little here and a little there to God. But just this last week I felt like the Lord was saying "It's now time Jessica, I want it all." I am there too, I feel ready. I know that there are going to be more bumps in the road but anyone who can be that patient with me and and that gentle with me is worth giving it all over too. I am not sure what it "all" is at this point. But I have quite a few ideas, thanks to him. I am thankful that God is patient and so are so many of his people who have praying for this moment for me.
I am thankful for my amazing family too. I mentioned that I moved back from lovely Nashville to be with them. My parents are fun and warm and super great to me. They are two of my closest friends. They are the parents that other people want, and that is so cool, cause my parents love to adpot others into their family as well, officially and unofficially. :) I am so thankful that my brother and my sister-n- law moved back also. They are the greatest friends and brother and sister ever. We really love being with each other. And last but not least, I am thankful for my little sister who I would love to see more, but have a feeling that God is about to do something big for our relationship and her life. I am excited to see what that is.
So there it is. God is good.

Trevor

something wild and a little untamed
yet sometimes timid
unsure of others
yet sure of you

always listening and always hearing
remembering and knowing
encouraging the differences
to be a part of me
not a hidden part of me

how did you become sure
confident in there being control
and you not having to
giving over all of you
all of the time

illness has quieted me
somewhere deep
yet you seem awake
alert and rested in him
I long for your strength
I seek the place you rest in

Well I was hoping this blog would be an outlet for my creative juices, but it seems like I am out of those lately. Instead, as of late I have been using it to communicate and sometimes whine about my life. I don't see all of you readers, well most you readers on a regular basis, so I guess normal communication with a lack of creativeness is okay. But please know I do want to work on my writing and hopefully my creative drought will end soon. It may be a lack of motivation and oh, time.
Anyway, physically things suck. My back is acting up and as usual the dr.s are baffled. That means test and more test. Why can't I have a normal person's body? I am praying that I don't need surgery.
I am going to be an Aunt in March and that is exciting. It will be super cool. My brother and sister-n-law are great people and are going to be great parents.
My social life is getting better. I am trying a little harder to get more involved at church and with new people. It is really hard with my crazy schedule. I feel really hopeful about it all though. There are some great people I have been hanging out with lately and one of them is kind of cute, (yes a boy) and super funny. We shall see.
So I would love to go into more detail about life in general but I am super tired and need to go to sleep.

Hopeful

Do you ever feel like something new and exciting is just around the corner? Well I rarely ever feel this way. I am usually am pretty joyful, happy girl, but I think I try to stay content with the present. I don't usually feel expectant for anything unless I know it's coming. Well this is a totally new feeling for me. I have this feeling that something great is coming to me soon. I know that is vague, but the feeling is vague. I just know something is coming. It is so fun to feel like this, hope bubbling around me. But if anyone of you reading this knows me, you know I am also structured and like to have a plan for most things. So as you can imagine this not knowing, but knowing can drive me a little nuts. I mean how do you plan for the unknown. And there lies the big lesson for me. It's a little freeing to not be able to plan for the unknown, I can't call anyone, I can't schedule it, I can't write it on my daily calendar, I just have to let it come. I do feel ready though. Isn't that odd. How can I be ready without planning? As you can see I think God is really showing me how in control he is. I am thankful that he has given me this "warning" feeling, cause it is totally helping in the midst of hardship right now. I like having something to look forward to, even if I have no clue what it is.

Another Conundrum (my word of the month)

Why is it that no decision can be easy for me. I have been working at my current place of buisness for almost 2 years, and since I have been back in Michigan for almost a year I have been wanting to get out of the store I am in. I don't love working there, I don't like working there, I think I hate working there most days. My boss is very hard to work for. There are too many reasons to even explain.
I have been wanting to move up in the company and a few weeks ago an opportunity came up in another store. One that I know I would like working in. I applied and had my interview yesterday. Last week one of my managers, my favorite manager quit. It totally sucks, I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. So now there is one open manager position. I am the "favorite" for this position, my manager keeps bugging me atleast 3 times a day to apply.
So here comes the challenging decision. Do I apply for this position also? I really want to get out of my store, but I have no idea if I will get hired at the other store. I don't know how many people he is interviewing and who my competition is. I know a little but not enough to feel confident that it is in the bag. Then if I interview at my store, I have to be interviewed by the district manager for both jobs if the general manager likes me for the position. Both stores are in the same district, meaning the same district manager will interview me for both positions, and this is the scary part. What if he picks where I go?
Then if I don't apply at the store I am at now I might be stuck in the position I am in now. And I know I will have to do more work, because no one else in the store knows how to do what I do and what the manager who is leaving does now.
Try figuring this one out, ahhh! Well I have been praying my little head off. I am not sure what I will do. I have to come up with something to say to my boss on Tuesday when he asks me for the 900 th time where my resume is and how he would like to set up an interview.
Me and my conundrums, why can't they ever be like, which color Porche should I get, midnight blue or candy apple red, oh the choices! I could handle that, well maybe but then I would have to decide which friend could drive with me and that would be hard, cause I love you all!

Great Expectations

Do you ever expect too much out of something, and then later realize it was wonderful. Why is it in the moment we can think that this relationship, job, or whatever the experience may be needs this or that. We think it isn't near perfect and can and sometimes must get better. Time passes and that relationship, job, or whatever the experience is over and we miss it so much and all we can think of is how great it was.
This has happened to me more than once, I must admit. The most recent experience has made me wonder why I feel this way. The questions that I have been asking myself are 1. Do I miss this, okay in this incident it's a relationship, do I miss this relationship because I don't have a relationship similar to it now? Which is a very valid question. I don't have a relationship like it, not even close. But when I start thinking of what this relationship had compared to others, I only think of the good, fun stuff.
2. Was this relationship great, and I took advantage of it? I know that some of this is true. But why is it when I am with this person I love what we have but am fine with the minimal friendship and am never really sure that it needs to be more. Then when I am away from this person, I think "stupid you, look what you are missing?"
So as you can see I have a little conundrum here. Sometimes I think I just miss this amazing friendship with this person, and it was never meant to be anything more, but since I am not dating anyone I wonder if I am missing something. And then maybe I have expectations of what should be and those are just unrealistic.
I am not sure and really only time will tell. I do miss this person and although we are still great friends, I miss him being near. And who knows he may be a lifetime great friend at the least and some people never get that, so I am super lucky, and maybe he is more. But I do know I will be more greatful for the great friend he is now.

45th parallel

This weekend I drove up to beautiful scenic Michigan, and on the way I noticed that I was in the middle of the earth, literally. That was so odd. I passed one of the many markers in Michigan letting me know that I was at the 45th parallel, meaning I was half way between the equator and north pole. Over the weekend I saw so many beautiful sights, Lake Michigan, beautiful Harbor Springs, great friends, fireworks, and yet for some reason a sign telling me that I was in the middle of the earth was one of the wow moments for me.
As I begin to wonder why it so spectacular to me, I start to think that being in the middle of something just feels special. When you are in the middle that means you are committed, involved, their is no easy way out. When you are in the middle of something, you most likely are on a journey from one side to the other. When you are in the middle of something, there is a feeling of accomplishment, but you still have goals to go further. I believe this is where I am in my life, right in the middle. At the point I drove pass the sign telling me I was in the middle of the earth, I remember saying out loud to myself "Now ain't that the truth" but I was thinking about my life.
For a while being in the middle has been uncomfortable, sometimes I feel stuck "right in the middle." But as I saw that sign and thought about where I am in life I realized that I am in the center of life. Sometimes it is challenging, but there are so many rewards like a beautiful view over Lake Michigan. The center is never easy to get to, and it isn't always easy to get pass, but I am finally glad to be there.
As I drove by the sign, I wanted to slow down, I wanted to look around and take it all in. The state of Michigan considers the 135 miles of the Michigan Polar-Equator Trail as a significant tourist attraction in Michigan. I also am beginning to slow down and enjoy all of the scenic routes along life and enjoy being in the center.